Relationship With Self...

Relationship with Self

“If you aren't good at loving you, you will have a difficult time loving anyone...”–Barbara De Angelis

I am a self professed serial dater stuck in the honeymoon phase of romantic relationships. The first month of a relationship is the best. The excitement of a phone call,  a first kiss or the anticipation of it becoming sexual makes dating or even marriage worth the effort. Lately I have been considering

exploration beyond the honeymoon phase and venturing into the committed relationship realm.

Most of my married friends tell me to be careful of what you wish for because you just might get it. Recently, I went to see Marsha Ambrosius in concert.  The venue had a cozy romantic ambiance made for lovers.  I wasn’t on a date though.  I was with one of my dearest female friends…  You know,  the girlfriend that you don’t see or talk to everyday, but she is just comfortable to be around.

As we entered the dimly lit lounge, I was overwhelmed by the fact that I wasn’t here with a romantic interest but instead with a girlfriend.  I felt a melancholy way seeing all of the couples at the various tables in the joint.  …Getting tired of the girlfriend trips.  I love my friends but if I have to go to another concert, mini vacation or another wedding with a girlfriend I might scream. My friend that I was with on the other hand was too happy to be on a girlfriend outing. Unlike, me she is married and has been for awhile.  I found myself envious, but not in a hateful way.

The music starts playing and Ms. Ambrosius begins to belt out one of her sultry love-laden songs.  As I perused the room, I noticed that many of the couples didn’t seem happy. Some seemed to be there out of obligation, like maybe there was an argument and the tickets were bought as an apology. Some were coupled off but I read the body language as if only one of them was interested in a romantic way, the man was leaning towards his date as if he were trying to get closer but she sat square, faced forward texting on her phone.  The couple next to me was young very cute.  He had on a wedding ring but she didn’t.  I spent more time singing and dancing with him than she did.  I even saw an elderly white gentleman with a young black woman maybe 30ish and they seemed to be one of the most genuine couples in the crowd. They held hands, talked while looking into each other’s eyes and there was mutual adoration. I can easily say that of all the couples in the crowd, only 25% seemed to be interested in each other.

On the 2-hour ride home from the concert, I asked my friend what is the key to being in a happy committed relationship?  After talking for several minutes about what she was not happy about in her relationship she took a deep breath a long pause and said, “I wish I could have kept a lot of me.” She went into great detail about what she wanted to accomplish and didn’t accomplish, not because she was in a marriage that didn’t allow her too, she said she gave up on her personal desires to be supportive of her husband and family.  I was so disheartened.

That next day I walked around work like a zombie (after a certain age going to bed at 2am and getting up for work at 6am is not a good thing) and one of my coworkers stopped me  in the hallway and announced his retirement. He went on to say that he had been married for 43 years and his wife is sick. I don’t know how the conversation transitioned on to him talking about how selfish he had been in his marriage and if his wife weren’t so grounded in her belief of Christ he didn’t know where he would be. His wife never really worked but she was always active in the church, involved with her children and involved with community activities. Thinking back to the previous conversation with my friend, I asked him what his wife wanted to accomplish before they were married. He said that she only said she wanted to be a good wife, mother and servant of the lord. I asked him overall, what do you think the quality of your marriage is? He stated that he is happy and he thinks his wife is happy. He attests a lot of that to his wife and their belief in God.

The difference between my friend and my coworker’s wife is the expectation in themselves and their marriages. My coworker’s wife accomplished what she set out to accomplish in her marriage. My friend on the other hand sacrificed herself for the needs of her family.  Any relationship whether romantic, work related or just a friendship requires concession and compromise. What do you concede and what do you keep to be your own person?

Personally I think we as women give of ourselves too much too fast. I don’t know if that is a societal expectation or a biological one.  We must first love to love ourselves before we can love another.  I have been in many relationships and now looking back when the relationship wasn’t satisfying it was usually because I wasn’t satisfied within myself, not with the relationship. 

When I think about the love of self, I think about the aircraft safety speech putting the oxygen mask on yourself before trying to help the person next to you. I challenge you to get to know who you are.  Know who you are right now and compare that “who you are” to who you thought you would be at this time in your life. If you are on track, how can you enhance the outlying goal? If you are not on track take a critical assessment of how you feel about not being on track and devise a plan to get back on track.  Your children will grow up and move on.  Your husband or wife will change careers or retire.  What do you want or have for yourself?

Guest Contributor 

Art Credit: I love this painting and would credit it to the amazing artist if I knew who they were. If you know, send me a note and I’ll add it.